10 Random Things I’d Tell My Twenty-Year-Old Self


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  1. Stop saying “I’m sooooooooo tired.” There are new mothers who hear you and may punch you in the face.
  2. Don’t take life so seriously. Have more fun.
  3. After you have your second kid, your waistline increases an inch the second you look at a cookie, so eat them now! Dooooo it!
  4. If you think you compare yourself to other women a lot now, just wait till you become a mother – you’ll do it a few hundred times a day. We gotta figure out how to stop this, it’s a bad cycle.
  5. Stop dieting. Just get in the habit of walking or running daily – it’s the only way.
  6. Stop looking at moms with their kids having tantrums and thinking: “I will never let my kid behave that way in public, EVER, period.” Because my darling, you can’t control a toddler’s emotions. So stop judging and start saving some money for therapy.
  7. Let go. Learn to let go of things you can’t control now. It’ll make you better at not sweating the small stuff as a new mom.
  8. Stop shaking your head at your sister-in-law, Lynette and wondering why she’s so moody after having your niece Adele. You’ll experience the wrath of hormones at war inside your body one day. And that’s when you’ll suddenly love her so much more.
  9. Baby wipes take that mascara off better than those Oil of Olay cloths you spend so much money on. You’re hilarious.
  10. Stop saying “I’m bored.” Be happy that you currently have nothing to do and enjoy staring at a wall while listening to nothing.

I Hate You, Parenting Articles


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I read parenting advice from all different perspectives. And with each paragraph I read I shake my head and realize I’ve been doing it all wrong. At the end of the article I’m convinced that one of my children may turn out to be a serial killer. Who knows, maybe both will.

Why are there so many methods? How do I know which one will work?I believe that  all these different theories were written by people who think their own parents did it wrong. After years of trying to fix themselves they believe they’ve come up with the right way to raise a child.

I want to know how their children turned out…or better yet if they even have children. And if their children did happen to turn out to be brain surgeons or violinists or CEO’s of big companies – I’d like to know what these successful people really feel about their childhoods and how their parents raised them. I wonder if they gave me the password to their computer if I’d find a file with 52 pages of a book they’re writing about parenting and how to do it right.

I hate how these articles make me feel. I hate that I’ll always feel inadequate even when I’m doing an okay job. I hate that I question everything:

  • Did that three-day potty training week from hell scar him?
  • Is he going to marry a bitchy woman because I yell at least twice a day and he’ll find bitchy women to be comforting and familiar?
  • Will he develop a tick when he sees blueberries because of that morning we had a power struggle over eating two more blueberries before he was allowed to leave the table?
  • Will he be behind in kindergarten because he’s home with me and not in daycare like many other toddlers? He can only count to 14 and not 31, maybe I should put him in preschool twice a week.
  • Will he develop OCD because I try to pick those boogers out of his nose every chance I get?
  • If I ignore this tantrum right now will he grow up to be resentful and angry because I’m not validating his feelings?

No matter what I do I’m questioning myself, doubting every decision I make. And as if my own fears aren’t enough I read parenting articles that confirm them. The articles make it official – I’m doing it wrong. Well guess what parenting articles?

 

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Have a nice day 🙂