I Don’t Have the Wheel


Scream

On the days I have my shit together, I really kick ass. I get my workout in, eat healthy, connect with my kids. It’s the version of myself I always want to be. But she doesn’t stick around for long. Anyone relate to this?
It takes one bad night of sleep when one of the kids is up a few times to derail me. The next day I’m exhausted, crave nothing but carbs and allow myself to “have a day”. That’s all it takes. The permission I give myself to stop trying so hard pushes me into full sabotage: may as well just enjoy this day, I’ll get back on track tomorrow.
Next day: may as well rid my cupboard of all this bread and junk food today and start fresh on Monday; I’ll shop for veggies and really healthy choices.
Two weeks later: May as well just accept these rolls and love them because I’m never gonna have the body I had in my twenties.
During this time all the sugar and starch I am binging on is creating brain fog and impacting my hormones. Sending my anxiety through the roof. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m sad. I’m in a rut. I feel trapped. I feel annoyed. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like a burden. And the cycle continues.
All this isn’t only caused by food, I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life. But usually they’re just a grey cloud that I monitor in the rearview mirror as I navigate through my life.
But when I stop taking care of myself the clouds turn black and engulf me like smoke; making it hard to see, to breath, to distinguish truth from reality. Making it easy to believe all my negative thoughts as the truth. Making it so hard to get out of my head.
It’s such a slippery slope. I’ve been on this ride for years. Sometimes I have the wheel, most times I don’t. Most days all I can do is wake up and brace myself for the ride. But I will continue to get on every day. Because some days I wake up and have my shit together – and those days feel amazing.

Happy Birthday to My Big Brother


Fred

You’d think that with nine and a half years between us, and opposite genders, we wouldn’t be as close as we are. Rewind 28 years ago and watch a mini movie of Fred pushing me on the swing at the park, sharing his last piece of Double Bubble Gum from our Midi Mart visit, playing WWF with me and letting me win all the time, and gently putting a Band-Aid on my scraped knee.

In many ways, Fred was like a Dad. While our father was busy watering the tomato garden, working, or watching soccer games, Fred entertained me – he made sure I had some fun and fresh air every day. What 14 year old boy today would make their 4 year old sister such a big priority (without their parent’s bribing them)?

Today on his birthday, I hope Fred feels loved and appreciated for all he does. I hope he knows how much I love him and thank him for bringing so much brightness to my childhood.

Happy Birthday, Big Brother. I love you.

Second Baby Boy = Second Chances


Joshua Edward Cole has arrived on March 24th! He is the EXACT opposite of Big Brother Jacob so far. At this stage with Jacob, I was asking my husband if the hospital would let me return my colicky son to them. I know, it sounds horrible for a mother to say that. But I was a first-time mom with a newborn who screamed and nursed. There were no two hour lulls like with Joshua.

At Joshua’s 48 hour appointment, I asked the doctor if he was ill. She asked me why I thought that and I told her that all he does is eat and sleep; maybe he had jaundice if he was so lethargic. She giggled at me and mentioned that Joshua was doing exactly what newborns are supposed to do.

I had it in my head my entire pregnancy that I was heading into a storm – a newborn (which I assumed would nurse and scream like Jacob did) and an active 2 year old. I have a vivid imagination so instead of getting excited about our new addition on the way, this is more along the lines of what I pictured:

Image by Heath Robbins
Image by Heath Robbins

It feels like God has sent me a little miracle. Maybe with a note that says:

“I owe ya one, Kid. Here’s a little baby boy who will be a sweet newborn. Now go on, fall in love with being a Mommy. I know the first time around those moments passed you by in the chaos.”

They did. I can’t recall moments with Jacob when I was able to sit down quietly with my chin on his soft little head and breath in his beautiful scent. I’m not saying they didn’t happen, I just can’t bring those memories to the surface. I was so busy being anxious about what would happen next and when the screaming would start that I couldn’t live in the moment.

Joshua is my second chance at falling in love. And I’m taking all the little moments in… because they’re already almost gone. He’ll be one month soon, then before I know it he’ll be a toddler, running away from me giggling, and after that, closing his bedroom door in my face so he can have privacy.

I sit here and try so hard to etch these sweet moments in my mind, I hope they never fade. I hope I can bring them to the surface when I need to and relive them. Until I need to do that though, I’m going to live in these moments right now and be thankful that God has blessed me with another little boy to raise.

2014 in Review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,100 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 18 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Life!


Hello friends!! My dear friend, Victoria Benner started a new blog to help advocate for people with disabilities. She’s such an inspiring girl. It would mean so much if you could check out her page and like or follow. Thanks!

Don't Wait To Advocate

Life is not easy for anyone but, it is what you make it. Live everyday to fullest with no regrets. Enjoy everyday no matter what happens Don’t worry about something bad happening…until it happens. If you worry before it happens then, that’s when you get all up tight. Easy or hard, you can do anything…if you put your mind to it!! We sometimes sit there and ask ourselves, “I am going to make it, through anther day?” “Well, yes we can, if we tell ourselves we can an let our voice be heard!!!

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P is for Postpartum Depression


What a brave woman to share her story with the world. Her description of being at the bottom of a well and hearing her daughter’s laughter like a distant bell is haunting. And it’s so true. I hope more people read this and feel less alone. There is hope.

80,000 words

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I never thought I would get pregnant.

I had an easy pregnancy. Easier than I thought anyone with high risk factors like I had, could anticipate. No morning sickness. No bloating. I was able to wear my wedding ring until the very last days. My feet stayed the same size throughout. I even went off blood pressure medication and my blood pressure stayed low for almost the entire duration of my pregnancy. I was glowing. I gained weight only in my belly.

Birth was amazing, too. I was induced because my blood pressure climbed in the last three weeks of pregnancy and could not be managed. And so a week after my due date, I checked into the hospital, clutching my yoga ball and a huge bag of snacks for my husband. They started me on cytotec, gave me an Ambien, and I went to sleep (well, I…

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Hello, Friends! Yes, I’m Still Alive.


Excuse my absence, we’ve been busy…

Image

I can’t believe I haven’t written since September. There were dozens of fleeting moments when I had an idea for a post, but then life happened. Jacob is 18 months old now. So needless to say, he is on the move, and I am on the move after him – especially since he’s realized his love for toilets, and washing his hands in toilet water. Blerg. There goes the fight on germs.

This Christmas was outstanding! Jacob is old enough to understand what’s happening around him. It was so touching to see the wonder in his eyes when he’d gaze at the twinkling lights on the tree. Or when he finally caught on to the excitement of unwrapping presents. Kids really do bring out the magic of Christmas.

I hope you have all enjoyed your holidays and that the New Year is being good to you so far. You will be hearing from me more often as one of my resolutions this year is to NOT neglect writing. So let me know if there is anything specific you would like to hear about. Whether it’s more family recipes you’d like me to share, or if you want a product reviewed. And of course, I will always continue to write about my blunderings and embarrassing moments…like that time I waxed half my eyebrow off by accident.

Until next time! Keep things as sane as possible 😉

Cris