I Don’t Have the Wheel


Scream

On the days I have my shit together, I really kick ass. I get my workout in, eat healthy, connect with my kids. It’s the version of myself I always want to be. But she doesn’t stick around for long. Anyone relate to this?
It takes one bad night of sleep when one of the kids is up a few times to derail me. The next day I’m exhausted, crave nothing but carbs and allow myself to “have a day”. That’s all it takes. The permission I give myself to stop trying so hard pushes me into full sabotage: may as well just enjoy this day, I’ll get back on track tomorrow.
Next day: may as well rid my cupboard of all this bread and junk food today and start fresh on Monday; I’ll shop for veggies and really healthy choices.
Two weeks later: May as well just accept these rolls and love them because I’m never gonna have the body I had in my twenties.
During this time all the sugar and starch I am binging on is creating brain fog and impacting my hormones. Sending my anxiety through the roof. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m sad. I’m in a rut. I feel trapped. I feel annoyed. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like a burden. And the cycle continues.
All this isn’t only caused by food, I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life. But usually they’re just a grey cloud that I monitor in the rearview mirror as I navigate through my life.
But when I stop taking care of myself the clouds turn black and engulf me like smoke; making it hard to see, to breath, to distinguish truth from reality. Making it easy to believe all my negative thoughts as the truth. Making it so hard to get out of my head.
It’s such a slippery slope. I’ve been on this ride for years. Sometimes I have the wheel, most times I don’t. Most days all I can do is wake up and brace myself for the ride. But I will continue to get on every day. Because some days I wake up and have my shit together – and those days feel amazing.

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