I Don’t Have the Wheel


Scream

On the days I have my shit together, I really kick ass. I get my workout in, eat healthy, connect with my kids. It’s the version of myself I always want to be. But she doesn’t stick around for long. Anyone relate to this?
It takes one bad night of sleep when one of the kids is up a few times to derail me. The next day I’m exhausted, crave nothing but carbs and allow myself to “have a day”. That’s all it takes. The permission I give myself to stop trying so hard pushes me into full sabotage: may as well just enjoy this day, I’ll get back on track tomorrow.
Next day: may as well rid my cupboard of all this bread and junk food today and start fresh on Monday; I’ll shop for veggies and really healthy choices.
Two weeks later: May as well just accept these rolls and love them because I’m never gonna have the body I had in my twenties.
During this time all the sugar and starch I am binging on is creating brain fog and impacting my hormones. Sending my anxiety through the roof. I’m angry. I’m resentful. I’m sad. I’m in a rut. I feel trapped. I feel annoyed. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like a burden. And the cycle continues.
All this isn’t only caused by food, I’ve had anxiety and depression all my life. But usually they’re just a grey cloud that I monitor in the rearview mirror as I navigate through my life.
But when I stop taking care of myself the clouds turn black and engulf me like smoke; making it hard to see, to breath, to distinguish truth from reality. Making it easy to believe all my negative thoughts as the truth. Making it so hard to get out of my head.
It’s such a slippery slope. I’ve been on this ride for years. Sometimes I have the wheel, most times I don’t. Most days all I can do is wake up and brace myself for the ride. But I will continue to get on every day. Because some days I wake up and have my shit together – and those days feel amazing.

The Cycle


Photo Credit: Warrior Art

A Poem for adults who suffered abuse in their childhood, and suffer with mental illness or addiction in adulthood:

When the pain can be traced to the very roots of the tree
Is there really any escaping it?
A curse passed down from generation to generation
Teaching their kin to rage, worry, blame, wallow
Building foundations for failure

Regrets and more regrets
Blame and more blame
Siblings lost together in a place they can’t escape
It’s home, but their young souls know it shouldn’t be

One sibling grows up
Blaming, hating, selfishly ripping through their home
Like an unpredictable tornado
The debris: broken hearts of those who can’t help but love them

Another sibling grows up
Sweeping secrets under a rug
Arranging flowers, ironing wrinkled clothes
Polishing tarnished silver
Making things appear perfect
When really, she’s a perfect disaster

When will the cycle stop?
When will the blaming end?
I know the pain is real, I’ve felt it
I know the demons are there, I battle them

Being a grown up is hard
Being a parent is hard
Being a grown-up parent who suffered abuse in their childhood
Is excruciatingly lonely and painful

But our children cannot not be the punching bags that we were
Our spouses cannot be the target that we spew our anger at
Our families deserve the best of us

The best of our childhood was stolen from us
We cannot steel it back from our kids
It doesn’t work like that

The cycle needs to stop here
For a long time, the fight will be constant
But we’ll get stronger, wiser and better

We are warriors who draw the line in the sand
With swords dripping our own blood
Marking the boundary that will not be crossed
And fiercely guarding it

We’ll need to fight for our own happiness
We’ll need to battle the demons
Who threaten to steal it from us
And plant lies in our heads that we’re bad
That we’re not worthy
That we’re unlovable

But we have to fight
Forever
And ever

Accept this
And you can begin
Your new journey

®Cristina Cole

My Fave Jodi Picoult Books


These days I don’t get much time to read. So when I sit down with a book I want something that’ll keep my eyes so intensely glued to the pages that even Jason Momoa walking through my living room wouldn’t shift my gaze.

The books that consistently give me all the roller-coaster drama and hit-you-in-the-gut feels are written by Jodi Picoult. She has never failed me. I will list some of my faves below with links (affiliate) to where you can order them if you like 🙂 Here we go!

Plain Truth:

A quiet Amish community is shaken to its core one morning when a dead newborn baby is found. As police investigate, they realize the baby wasn’t stillborn, but died shortly after its birth. When the police begin looking for someone who may have recently given birth, they find Katie, a young teen. When asked if she has anything she wants to tell someone, here are the chilling words written by Picoult, that set you turning the pages fast:

“I didn’t have a baby,”Katie answered, looking directly at the detective. “I didn’t.”But Lizzie (detective) was staring at the porch floor. There was a small maroon smudge on the painted white planks. And a slow trickle of blood, running down Katie’s bare leg. 

Perfect Match:

This gut-wrenching novel is about a smart, strong woman who is a prosecutor in the most difficult of cases, mostly having to do with young children telling a courtroom about their nightmares of molestation or rape. Nina knows all too well how the system can be flawed when it comes to putting pedophiles behind bars – and keeping them there for a long time. And she also knows what a nightmare it is for families who’s children have been violated. So when she finds out that her own young boy was just molested, her mind swirls. How can she help her son when she knows the battles ahead…

The minute I stand up, I’ve jumped off the cliff. The world goes by in a haze of color and light, my weight accelerates, head– over– heels. Then I think, Falling is the first step in learning how to fly. In two steps, I am across the aisle of the courtroom. In a breath, I hold the gun up to the priest’s head. I pull the trigger four times. The bailiff grabs my arm but I won’t let go of the weapon. I can’t, until I know that I’ve done it. There is blood spreading, and screams, and then I’m falling again, forward, past the bar, where I am supposed to be.

“Did I get him? Is he dead?”

Nineteen Minutes:

This one is a hard one. It’s not for everyone. But I have always pushed myself to ask really hard questions and try to answer them after weighing both logic and morality. This book really does that.

It’s about a boy who is relentlessly bullied for years, and then one day does the unthinkable – something that our world has become far too used to hearing about. He enters his school and begins shooting. I told you, it’s a difficult one. But Jodi Picoult never writes a novel that isn’t hard. Each one dives into a controversial subject that’s often painful and thought provoking.

Below is the a video synopsis of Nineteen Minutes put together by author Jodi Picoult herself:

Please share what some of your favourite page-turners are with me!

***Links provided will bring you to Amazon where you can purchase these books now. I am part of the Amazon Associates Program. If you make a purchase I make a small commission at no extra cost to you. Please do not feel obligated to buy anything I recommend, only do so if you really want want or need an item. Thanks so much for visiting my blog!***

Go AWAY, Winter!


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Are roses red?
Are violets blue?
No really, are they?
I don’t remember what’s true

This winter is long
It’s cold and ruthless
If my teeth keep chattering
Soon I’ll be toothless

Morning: the sun peeks out
Burnt yellow, like a yoke
But by noon there’s a blizzard
Mother Nature’s sick joke:

“Just kidding, little ones!
Go back inside
The freezing rain is on its way!
Your tulips will die”

Who else is over this sh*t?  

®Cristina Cole

Pass the Swerve Please


Whether you’re swearing off sugar, trying the Keto diet, or going low-carb, Swerve sugar replacement is such a game changer.

I am NOT a fan of the nasty after taste some sweeteners have. Swerve doesn’t have it, and it equals sugar measurements teaspoon for teaspoon so there’s no guessing when following recipes. Sometimes a simple change or swapping of ingredients goes a long way.

If you start your day off with a cup a Joe, you don’t wanna mess with your mix, right? Switch to Swerve – zero calories, zero guilt, and your coffee doesn’t have to change. Here is the science behind it:

  • Zero-calorie sweetness is achieved by the combination of erythritol & oligosaccharides
  • Erythritol naturally occurs in many fruits & vegetables through fermentation
  • Oligosaccharides are sweet, non-digestible carbohydrates sourced from select fruits & starchy root vegetables
  • Oligosaccharides are prebiotic fibers, so they’re not only tasty, but they help stimulate beneficial bacteria in your gut
  • Swerve does not affect blood glucose so there’s no spike in insulin!

If you’re not about “dieting” but into making better choices, then Swerve is the ultimate sugar replacement. There’s nothing worse than trying to make your go-to yummy recipe of muffins and using a sweetener that’s overpowering, ruining your favourite treat.

I switched to Swerve a few months ago and love it. What are some of your healthy swaps? 

***Links will take you to Amazon where you can purchase product if you like. I am an part of the Amazon Associates Program.***

My Fave Essential Oil Diffuser


It wasn’t until I had children – when germs spread like wildfire or certain smells can knock you on your butt – that I became an advocate for the use of essential oils in the home.

Not only do they make your house smell amazing, but the health benefits are awesome too. For example, Purify, my go-to oil, not only makes your house smell like you just cleaned it (lemon and eucalyptus being the main oils in the blend) it also cleans the air you and your family breath.

The Viva Naturals Ultrasonic Diffuser line is my favourite! I love the natural grain wood designs that come in a variety of stains like natural, black or grey. My diffuser looks beautiful in any room on any surface. Here are some more perks:

  • Vaporizes oils, without using heat, into a cool mist maintaining their natural potency 
  • Cleans the air, eliminating toxins, mold, germs, & leaves your home smelling clean 
  • 4 mist modes release a gentle stream of calming oils into your home
  • Changing colours include moonlight white, firefly green, aquamarine teal, galaxy purple, sunset red, mellow yellow & mystic blue

If you love using different oils in different rooms for different reasons, then this is also an awesome option because it’s very affordable when compared to many other diffusers!

Use lavendar in the bedroom for its calming benefits, purify in high-traffic areas to keep things fresh and germs at bay, and maybe peppermint in the office to keep your mind alert!

What are your favourite oils to use?

***Links will take you to Amazon where you can purchase product if you like. I am an part of the Amazon Associates Program.***

Yummiest Blueberry Muffins!


I love blueberry muffins, but homemade, so I can see what’s going in. I’m going to share a muffin recipe that’s become a staple in our home. All of us enjoy them, even my picky kids. It’s a recipe that combines tidbits from a slew of recipes I have tried. I have finally got it right! Here we go…

Makes 12 muffins
Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Line a muffin tin or spray with Pam (I rub coconut oil all over mine)

Ingredients:

  • 3/4 cup whole wheat flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 TB baking powder
  • 1 & 1/4 cups oats
  • 3/4 cups FRESH blueberries
  • 1/2 brown sugar (I use Swerve substitute – has no yucky aftertaste and doesn’t spike insulin) Get it here (affiliate): Swerve
  • 1/2 cup olive oil
  • 1 egg
  • 1 cup applesauce

Directions:

  • In a large bowl, sift together flour, cinnamon, salt & baking powder
  • Stir in the oats, blueberries & sugar until just combined
  • In a small bowl, beat the eggs, then mix in oil and applesauce
  • Pour the egg mix into the larger bowl and blend till combined
  • Fill muffin tins and bake for 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean

The oats give the tops of these muffins a slight crunchy texture, so biting into one is amazing. They are moist and delicious and won’t last long! Store them in a sealed tupperware container in the fridge and eat within seven days.